The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
