My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
