I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Umm I'm too high to move.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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