I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
