You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
