I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
