What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
