from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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