when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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