Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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