Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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