Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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