Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
