you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
