Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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