i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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