i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
