Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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