You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
