P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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