his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
