Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
