The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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