Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
