I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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