Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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