like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
