Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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