I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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