haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
