Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
