im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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