so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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