I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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