I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Randomize
