Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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