There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
