i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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