was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
