I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
