if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
