I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
