His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Someone signed my nipple.
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