i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
