i need an iv and a liver transplant
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
