I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
