batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
