I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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