ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
