apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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